


Sharing

by Rynfinity



Series: Out of the Mouths of Babes [23]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sibling Incest, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-20 19:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2440193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rynfinity/pseuds/Rynfinity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you feeling okay," Loki teases, almost back to smiling.  He wrests one hand free and lays the back of it against Thor's forehead.  "You feel a little warm."</p><p>What Thor actually feels, besides a lot better than he did at the start of their talk, is hungry.</p><p> </p><p>This is a direct sequel to Effort and will make the most sense read after its predecessors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Talking goes better than it sometimes has, or _practice makes... better?_

"Dr. Riley says I should just ask you this," Thor tells his brother. Loki – who is probably wondering, among other things, exactly when it was that his brother and his therapist became buddies – raises one perfect eyebrow.

The two of them have had a nice long weekend together, complete with more sledding today while everyone else was slaving away at work, and Thor’s first (and second, and third, and billionth) instinct is not to do anything that might spoil it. He's learning, though, that among all his instincts this particular one is neither wise nor trustworthy. He clears his throat. "Um," he says stupidly as Loki continues to make _that face_ \- the one that leaves him feeling coarse and oafish - at him. Speaking of which… "do you want to die again," he blurts out. While he hadn’t been feeling much like sinking into the ground and disappearing recently, he clearly hasn’t - judging from how he feels right now - lost one bit of his capacity for so doing. "That sounded bad," he apologizes as his brother winces.

"Not really," Loki says, after a moment. He’s recovered his composure near-instantly; he purses his lips and squinches one eye shut. "It sounds honest." After a big sigh, he continues: "And no, I don't think so. If nothing else I don't want to leave the cats alone. Not that you can't take care of them," he hastens to add as Thor frowns. "I just- I owe it to them. Mac worked so hard to survive as a baby. He deserves the same from me. And I don't want to burden you with them." He looks at Thor for a moment, then down at his half-drunk mug of cocoa. "And I don't want to leave you."

That tugs at Thor, enough so that there's a real risk he might cry. "So what was that all about, then? Thursday, I mean. And not taking your medication?" _And letting yourself get so run down when you know better_ he doesn't add, because that whole business could just as easily be on him. Plus, they've talked about that part already... bringing it up again is probably more stalling than it is anything useful.

Loki runs a long finger around the rim of his mug. It squeaks, the sound faintly musical. His nails are a deep vampy red, which must have just happened this morning and which isn't at all typical. It looks nice, though; when they're done with the heavy going, Thor fully intends to tell him so. And maybe take that chocolately finger into his mouth and suck it clean.

"Sometimes I miss how intense things used to be," Loki explains after a long silence. "I wanted to see if I could get that back." He clenches his hands into white-knuckled fists on the table; Thor takes them in his own and gently works Loki's fingers free. "Turns out I can't. But I _can_ still feel pretty shitty." He laughs. "So then, after my way failed, I went and tried your old solution. And all I felt was sad. And dizzy."

Thor rubs his brother's fingers. The new polish is slick and cool. "And then you called your coach?"

"Yeah. He came and took me to the ED. I wasn't very- let's say I didn't express my gratitude in anything approaching a civil manner."

Thor really can't say that surprises him. Loki has never been a particularly pleasant drunk. Not, of course, that he’s one to talk. He nods in lieu of commenting. "I got to ride in the van," he offers instead. "With Dr. Riley."

"Where was the car," Loki asks, actually looking up at him again. Small talk is invariably easier.

"At the center," Thor admits. "I was freaked. She didn't think I should be driving."

"Shit," Loki says. His face flushes. "So when I kicked you out in the middle if the night you-."

"-had to call a cab," Thor finishes for his brother. "To day treatment. I'm so classy."

They share a little laugh.

"I didn't want to die," Loki reiterates afterwards. "I don't want to die. Sometime I just- I lose my way. That's all."

Thor nods. "Maybe next time you feel it coming on you can tell- somebody? Doesn't have to be me," he assures his brother, even though he kind of doesn't want to. “Just someone who will help you.”

"I'll try," Loki says. He sighs. "No promises, but I will try. Harder."

"Thank you," Thor offers. He flips one of Loki's hands over and kisses the soft, lined dip in the center of its palm. "I like this color on you," he adds, kissing the tips of his brother's curled fingers.

Loki sniffles, which is a little surprising. "It's okay, baby," Thor soothes. "Shh. What did I say?"

"It seriously doesn't bother you," his brother asks, a little wet-sounding and full of irony, "that I wear nail polish?"

It's something Loki has done almost as long as Thor can remember. His brother's graceful hands look odd without it, frankly. "Of course not," he says, quickly, because this is somehow a Big Thing. "It looks good."

Loki frowns and sniffles. "It looks gay."

To Thor it just _looks Loki_ , but that particular line of reasoning has a history of having gone over very poorly. "Whatever," he says instead. "I like it. I assume you like it, considering how many years you've been doing it. If other people have a problem with it, oh well." These days, he can say that and even mean it.

"Are you feeling okay," Loki teases, almost back to smiling. He wrests one hand free and lays the back of it against Thor's forehead. "You feel a little warm."

What he actually feels, besides a lot better than he did at the start of their talk, is hungry. "Dinner?"

"Oh, I thought maybe we could talk more," Loki says, but he ruins the effect by bursting out laughing. "Oh my god, Thor, you should see your face." He laughs again. "Yes, dinner sounds perfect. What do you think we should scrape together?"

“Curry,” Thor says. “Or maybe pasta.”

~

Tuesday evening at group he can – for once - actually share good, optimistic examples of his progress. Thor’s a little surprised to find how nice praise feels, coming from this collection of former strangers he'd been so quick to judge initially.

~

On the way home, fighting down nerves - Loki never checks in before going to the shelter, so there's no reason whatsover to expect he might have done so today… still, it would have been a comfort just the same - Thor stops off to pick up his brother. He pushes the door open and steps quickly in before panic can paralyze him.

And sure enough, all that worrying is for nothing. Loki is right where he said he'd be. "We have a new batch of kittens," he calls out from his post by the cages as Thor swallows hard. Twice. Loki has a rag in one hand and a small tannish cat in the other. He looks perfectly normal. "You should go see."

Thor nods, then stops to give Darcy - who's just come in behind him - a quick hug. "Nursery?"

His brother grins. "Last I saw they were in the filing cabinet."

" _Loki_ ," Thor and Darcy protest, in perfect stereo. She holds up a hand for him. “High five!”

“So shoot me.” Loki shrugs. The cat in his left hand wriggles. "Not my fault they like it there."

Darcy opens the bottom drawer the rest of the way – it was already a little more than ajar, come to mention it - slowly and carefully. Thor doesn't even try to bite back his "aww." Someone has made a blanket nest; in it are too many grey puffballs to count. They blink and squeak grumpily.

"Here," Darcy says, handing Thor a smallish box. "They need to go back where they belong and get some dinner." She scoops up a double-handful of kittens and he squats to let her pass them over. Four scoop-and-passes later, the box is full and the drawer is empty.

"Don't be getting any ideas," Loki calls from across the room as Thor dutifully follows Darcy to the nursery. "I already have all the _incentive_ I need, trust me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has secrets.

“I went- well, not off the deep end exactly,” Loki explains. “More like out of the shallow end, into the part where your tippy toes only just _baaaaare_ ly touch down.” He smiles. “It’s taken me a couple of weeks to get back to whatever passes for normal. We haven’t been avoiding you guys, I promise.”

“I know,” Sif says. She smiles, too, and reaches out to give him a quick squeeze around the waist. “Thor called me, the day after it happened. He’d tried to reach me that night,” she adds, quickly, “but my phone battery was dead. I guess he didn’t want me to worry.”

Loki hugs her back, with one arm. His other (gloved, so it’s probably cold; Thor knows his brother really does like his mittens) hand clutches Thor’s tightly – it’s the only sign he’s giving that he might not be quite as okay as he’s acting.

Thor leans in and gives Loki a kiss on the temple, between hat and cheekbone. “Love you, baby,” he whispers in his brother’s ear.

“It’s not a problem,” Loki tells Sif, nuzzling a little against Thor’s scratchy face. “We all share things. We need to.” He laughs, a little sad-sounding. “That’s how you guys keep me honest.”

“All of us,” Thor corrects. “It’s how we keep all of us honest.” His brother isn’t the only liar in the bunch, for certain. “So, Steve,” he adds cheerfully, “what big secrets do _you_ have for us this afternoon?” He’s teasing, of course. Steve never has a single secret.

~

It’s been two full weeks and then some since Loki’s ED visit. Thor and his brother had agreed not to put any extra pressure on themselves last weekend; just getting through the week’s usual activities was almost more than enough. With another seven uneventful days under their respective belts, though, he’d finally felt safe mentioning his original plan: how he’d been wanting to corral Sif and Steve and all do something fun together. He’d been a little surprised - but not at all displeased - when Loki’d jumped quickly onboard and started helping with the planning.

Brunch had turned out not to be an option after all, but they’d settled on a little light snowshoeing in the park – “NOT a race,” Thor had reminded Steve, “just a stroll; we’re not all crazy fit like you!” – followed by a relatively early dinner.

~

“I’ll tell you when we get to the park,” Steve says, which is unexpected. Thor can’t tell if he’s blushing, or if his cheeks are just pink from the cold. “No guessing, no prying. Hey, did anyone remember to look up where to rent snowshoes?”

Loki grins. “There’s a nice little sporting goods place over here” – he points down the next street – “and they rent winter stuff. I even called ahead,” he adds, sounding a little smug.

Thor kisses his brother again. “Thank you,” he says. It’s a good thing at least one of them was really thinking, because he’d personally stopped at _where to get chili_ and evidently never started up again.

“Really?” Steve looks surprised. Impressed. “How did you-?”

“Ah-ah,” Loki chides, cutting Steve off. Thor can’t see his brother’s smirk, but he knows it must be there. “ _No guessing, no prying._ ”

They share a laugh, strolling arm-in-arm down the sidewalk. It’s going to be a good day; Thor can just tell.

~

“Oh,” Steve says as they stand outside the friendly-looking little outfitting store. Thor chokes on saliva; Sif snorts.

Loki _giggles_. “What can I say,” he asks happily. “I walk by here from time to time. I stopped in once, even. They were very nice.”

Amongst them Sif is the first to recover. “Fancy that,” she says, elbowing Loki in the side. “How handy that it’s _right next to your favorite store._ ”

They all turn in unison to look – again - at the next storefront, the place where Thor knows his brother sometimes stops in for- well, paddles and fancy lube and other things he himself has exactly no interest whatsoever in discussing with- with anyone. With straight-laced Steve, especially. “I _said_ not to pry,” Loki reminds them all, still laughing.

“Snowshoes,” Thor says, firmly, as he steers them into the sporting goods store.

His brother is right. The place has a great selection, so much so that Steve promises the friendly woman behind the counter he will come back during the end-of-season sale and buy a pair. Since neither Loki nor Sif has ever used snowshoes before, and Thor hasn’t tried it since college, they let themselves be talked into renting poles as well.

“See you later,” the manager calls after them as they troop towards the door. “Have a wonderful time!”

~

It’s an overcast, cold day and the park is nicely empty. Besides a man attempting to teach his preschooler to ski and a couple of college kids on a toboggan, the four of them pretty much have the place to themselves. Which is good, because snowshoeing is not quite as easy as Steve makes it look and both Sif and Loki spend a fair amount of time face-planting. While Thor (barely) manages not to fall, he’s doing something wrong with his feet somehow and the backs of both his legs are caked with snow. He’s going to be wet from his ankles to his ass by the time this is done.

Still, it’s worth it. They’re all laughing and breathless and Loki like this – red-nosed and grinning in a shiny black down jacket and a hat with little cat ears – may be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

When they’ve circled the pond and are faced with the long slog back up the hill to the parking lot – an endeavor that’s going to make both thighs and legs alike burn like crazy – Thor stops. “Look at the ducks,” he says, pointing to a small open area near one end of the pond. Under the dull grey sky the water is jet black. The ducks don’t seem to mind, though, and it’s as good an excuse as any to sneak in a little breather.

“I’d rather hear about Steve’s _secret_ ,” Loki says as he wipes his nose on a tissue that’s materialized from its invisible hiding place somewhere in the depths of his jacket. “It’s pretty much guaranteed to be nicer than any of mine.”

Steve and Sif exchange a look. “It’s okay,” she says. “You can tell them.” He swings an arm around her and kisses her hair.

Thor says a quick little not-prayer that Steve and Sif aren’t moving away. As much as he loves his brother, he’s not ready to be a family of two and isn’t sure he ever will be.

“Sif and I have something to tell you,” Steve says, and Thor’s stomach does a little flip. “We’re getting married.”

“Seriously?!” Loki claps a gloved hand over his own mouth. “Shit, that was rude of me. Congratulations!”

“Thanks a lot, Loki,” Sif says drily, but she smiles as he hugs her.

“Wait wait,” Steve says as Thor pushes his brother out of the way and tries to shake hands. “There’s more. You know this by now, but the two of you are really what we consider our family. We just want to do a little private thing, and we’re hoping you’ll stand up for us. You don’t have to tell us now,” he adds, waving his hands no. “Just promise us you’ll think about it.

As sure as he is that they’ll say yes anyway, Thor can’t help but agree that it’s something he and Loki should talk about. Before they commit themselves, too. “We’ll think about it,” he assures Steve before his brother can answer, “and let you know.”

Steve lets out a huge, whooshing _whew_. “You have no idea how scared I’ve been about telling you,” he says. “Thank you for taking it so graciously.”

“Don’t be silly,” Loki says. He turns back to Thor; thankfully, he looks genuinely happy. “We want the best for you. Don’t we, Thor?”

“Absolutely!” He does. Steve is good for her. Good for all of them.

Sif claps her hands together. She’s never in her entire life been one for _sappy_. “Well, now that we have _THAT_ out of the way, what do you say we climb this hill?”

Thor and Loki both groan.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talking about Sif's wedding isn't as easy as it might sound.

"Sif's getting married," he tells Ginny once everyone is comfortably settled. More often than not these days, conversations here are actually more like talking than they are like mediation. Still, this is a complex and risky topic and Thor thinks _here_ is safest. Not to mention smartest.

In hindsight, perhaps (probably?) he should have cleared the whole business with Loki first. He’d meant to, really. But over the past few days he’d caught himself inventing so many reasons not to that- that by the end it had only felt all the more like a _Ginny topic._

So. Here they are.

"My friend Sif," Thor supplies when no one says anything. " _Our_ friend. The one we followed out here," he goes on. And on. Whether it's actually for Ginny's benefit, or just to have something to say, he's disconcertingly uncertain.

" _Our friend Sif_ who also used to be Thor's girlfriend," Loki points out with a brittle edge of false cheer that pretty much guarantees Thor isn’t the only one who’s not feeling great about things.

"Right," Ginny says. "In high school, wasn't it?"

Thor hums in agreement, but Loki evidently isn't done. "Don't tell her I said this,” he goes on, ”but it's all oddly interesting in retrospect". His eyes widen as he leans forward. "She has long black hair," he goes on, tossing his own for emphasis, "and muscles. Not exactly _girly_ , you know?" Loki waggles his eyebrows. "So all this has to be a little- weird."

"For whom," Ginny asks politely. Loki flinches like she's slapped him.

"Thor," he stresses. "It all has to be weird for _Thor_."

Ginny nods. "Perhaps it is, and we'll let him tell us about it either way in a moment." She makes a quick note on her pad. She has a new pencil; the glossy enamel casing is exactly the same green as Loki's eyes in this light. "But what about you," she asks. "Is it a little weird for you, Loki?"

Loki opens his mouth twice and then covers his face with his hands. "Yes," he says. He takes a deep breath and then blows out a huge whooshing exhale. "As much as I pretend it's not that way, I feel like I'm a substitute for her. Nothing against Sif," he adds, popping back up and talking so fast that the words tumble together. "She's a great friend. I mean that."

"Hah," Thor blurts out a little too slowly - it takes him a couple of beats to recover from being startled speechless - and his brother whips around with the _Loki equivalent_ of ears back and teeth bared.

"Don't even start," his brother snarls. "She's a wonderful person and you know I love her. Like an _actual_ sister, not like some- like this freak-ass thing you and I have going."

"Loki, Thor," Ginny says, sounding a bit stern. "Let's take this one piece of a time before we make it into something it isn't."

His brother actually _growls_ at him. They lock eyes until Ginny says "gentlemen," at which point they do finally look at her (Loki first; Thor waits to see before turning back to face her himself). They both nod.

"Okay," she says once they're finally silent. She takes her time smoothing her skirt. Thor can feel his brother glaring again; he carefully looks straight at Ginny. "Thor," she says after a few seconds, "it sounded like you might not have agreed with something Loki said earlier." She checks her notes, adjusting her glasses slightly. "Do you remember what it was?"

Oh, does he ever. "Yes," he says, stopping without tacking on _and you can bet my brother does too_. They've _talked_ about this; he's almost sure of it. Regardless, Ginny motions for him to explain. Thor sighs. "It sounded as though Loki thought I- I hooked up with him because he reminds me of Sif. Of _the one that got away_ or something. Even though he kind of tried to sell it backwards, playing up how she's not exactly ultra-feminine."

"First answer: Yes or no," Ginny asks Loki.

"Yes." His brother's voice is so faint Thor can hardly hear it.

"Thank you," she says. "That can't be easy to admit.” Loki shrugs. “Thor,” Ginny goes on, turning back to him, “was there more?"

There was. There is. Except somehow – watching his brother fall apart a little – Thor’s anger has morphed into deep sorrow and he's almost to choked-up to get the rest out. "It was the other way around," he corrects. His voice cracks. "Sif knows it, even. I liked her because she was- Sif... but I dated her because she- she was the closest a socially-acceptable _girl_ had come to being Loki." He scrubs at his face with one hand, trying to push past the odd little noises his brother is making. "I could never have admitted it at the time," he forces out, "but that doesn't make it any less true."

Loki clears his throat. "And Jane?" He doesn’t wait for permission, but Ginny lets it pass.

Thor lets his head hang, sitting elbows on knees with both hands dangling. "More of the same. I steered away from the looks, because it felt too creepy... but I found a scientist who wore men's clothing and didn't give two shits about girly things." Except it had kind of turned out that she _did_ want to date an emotionally-available guy. Not to say that's girly. "It ended up being worse," he admits, "because she didn't have the history Sif had with my family." He can feel tears dripping off the end of his nose; can see them splatter on the dark hardwood. "With my brother."

Out of the corner of his eye, through his hair, he watches as Loki shudders. “Like anyone else,” Thor says softly, “I learned all the way along that it was sick and bad and wrong to feel the way I did – the way I do – about _my brother_. But the simple truth is this: Loki is exactly what I’ve always wanted. Even the best of my other options came in a distant, distant second.” He snuffles. “Excuse me. I- I’m just sorry I put so many people through a lot of needless suffering while I figured it out. Not least of all you,” he adds, hooking his hair behind one ear and looking over at Loki. “I love you, baby. It’s always been you. This is only weird and upsetting because- because Siffy can get married and- and I want to but- but our stupid-ass _society_ says we can’t.”

Loki sucks in a tiny little gasp, and Thor realizes just too late what he’s said. This time he’s the one who buries his face in his hands. “Fuck,” he says when his brother stays essentially silent. “I’m so sorry.”

“Well,” Loki says after a long, long pause that probably feels even longer. “I can’t say _that_ was the proposal of my dreams somehow.”

Thor’s arms give out, leaving him doubled gracelessly over atop his own thighs. “I’m such an ass,” he tells them, both Ginny and his brother. Well, he tells it to the floor, but he hopes the rest of them are listening. “Can I just try this entire discussion over?”

“I think you-,” Ginny starts to respond, but Loki cuts her off.

“Don’t be thinking you can just take it back,” he says. “I’ll always know you said it.”

“I don’t _want_ to take it back,” Thor protests. “For god’s sake, stop already. I just- I only- I want to do it right. I want to do it _better_.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Thor owe Sif and Steve an answer.

"Did you mean that," Loki asks very quietly as Thor fastens his own seatbelt. The metallic click echoes. He can almost hear his heart beating.

"Did I mean that I wished I could marry you? That?" He pauses briefly, waiting for Loki to answer, and then thinks the better of it. "Yes," he says firmly. "I've- I've felt that way for a long time. I just- well, that's not how I meant to tell you." He's not sure he meant to tell his brother at all, ever – it’s never once seemed like anything Loki might have wanted – but none of that changes the clear fact that tonight's delivery was beyond awful.

Loki coughs. "If I _ever_ find out you were ly-." He stops abruptly and takes a deep breath. "Sorry. Let's talk about Sif and Steve,” he goes on, in an almost scarily different tone of voice. “What do you think… you okay standing up for them?" Loki sounds peaceful and calm now, unnaturally so. Given that he’s turned completely away and is talking to the window, though, Thor can only assume it’s an act. In all likelihood his control is at best marginal.

"I'm not lying, baby," he assures his brother before taking the time to actually answer Loki’s question. "And, yes, I'd be happy to help Sif and Steve get married." He pauses again. Nothing. "As long as you're okay with it too, I mean."

"Mm." Loki nods, still facing the window. "I like Steve. I'm glad he's around." When he finally turns to look at Thor, his face is tight and drawn. Worn-looking. "As long as they aren't making a big fuss. Or inviting-..."

"-people from back home," Thor finishes. Loki nods. "I think if they wanted that they would _go_ home, you know?" It's a bad idea to assume, though. The stakes are too high. "I'll ask her," he offers.

Loki smiles a lopsided little frown-smile. "We both will."

Thor slides the selector into reverse and eases out of his parking spot. "Not tonight, though, if that's okay." He twists to grin at his brother as he puts the car in drive. "I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you but I'm hungry."

Loki snorts. "You'll eat the mattress on your deathbed."

"Only with the right sauce, baby,” Thor counters, laughing. He pulls out of the parking lot and into the street. “Only with the right sauce."

~

The two of them stop to pick up pierogies; they’re easily Loki's favorite comfort food, and Thor suspects his brother could use a little comforting. That, and they’re always fantastic. The car smells wonderful; his mouth waters all the way home.

In the apartment they change quickly into sloppy old clothes. Loki’s shirt hangs so far off his shoulders it’s barely worth wearing. They take turns feeding each other messily in a frantic rush, with nothing but their fingers, straight out of the plastic containers. When the last of the lovely little cheesy pillows is gone, Thor dials things gently down; he takes his time methodically licking Loki's fingers clean, one after another. His brother pouts.

The whole thing goes from sexy-sad to ridiculous at about the point where Mac, tired of being shooed off the table over and over, balances precariously atop Loki's knee and starts in on Thor's buttery face.

"Yuck," Thor complains, indignant, as his brother laughs. "Your daddy gets to do that, but _you_ don't."

Loki ducks down so he's on a level with their stripey orange nemesis. "Only daddies get to lick each other," he agrees. "You go lick Marci."

_Daddies_. Thor ducks his face and grins. He's received a field promotion. Even so, he carefully doesn't ask when he stopped being _uncle_.

~

After work/the center the next evening they meet up at home and then march (a little – a lot? - nervously) hand in hand over to Sif's apartment. Steve is never home this early, and they've purposefully timed their visit to catch her alone. The two of them stare silently at each other for quite a while before knocking.

Sif somehow manages to both smile and look worried at the same time. "Boys," she says, waving them in. "What did you break this time?"

It's an old habit, one that goes back to when Thor’d lived in a nice place and she’d lived in a hovel; he and Loki never visit her. She always visits them. Thor feels like he should have brought a housewarming gift or something. "Um, no. Nothing," he corrects himself, stalling. His brother huffs out an impatient sigh.

"We have a question," Loki cuts in. "It's kind of self-centered and rude, so my-," he goes on, shooting a quick look at Thor, "so _we_ wanted to get it out in the open when there weren't any witnesses."

"Never go into sales, Lokes," Sif kids him gently. "Sure,” she adds, serious-faced again. “Shoot. Ask away," she prods when neither of them seems capable of getting going.

"Before we- um. Shit," Thor says. He leans heavily against the doorframe that separates Sif’s kitchen from her office/living room/den. "This is so awkward, Siffy. We- we really do want to be in your wedding but before we make any promises we need to be sure _certain people_ aren't invited." He groans inwardly. Screw punctuation. Not only was that obnoxious; it sounded completely ridiculous, too.

Sif smiles, not unkindly. Yet again Thor marvels silently at her patience. Anyone else would have given up on the two of them ages ago. " _No one_ is invited," she clarifies, looking first at him and then at his brother. "It will - it _would_ \- just be us and you. The two of us and the two of you." She reaches out and takes hold of their hands, pulling the two of them closer together in the process. Loki leans his full weight – which is somehow always surprisingly little – against Thor’s front. "No evil family of origin, no closet skeletons, nothing. No one. Just Sif and Steve and Loki and Thor."

“That sounds kinky,” Loki says brightly into the reverent silence that follows.

The three of them dissolve into relieved laughter, the kind that leaves your sides hurting. And then turns into tears of- of _something._

~

“So, is that a yes,” Sif asks Thor when they’ve finally stopped laughing and are instead struggling to catch their respective breaths. “Please don’t tell me you’re _still thinking_.”

Thor nudges Loki’s shoulder until his brother turns to look at him. He raises his eyebrows expectantly. “Well?”

Loki’s forehead wrinkles. As always, Thor has to fight not to smooth the little furrows with a finger. Or his lips. “Hmm,” his brother hums. “I think we should wait until Steve gets here, don’t you? We should tell both of them, together.”

From the look on Sif’s face it’s probably fortunate – in terms of their continued survival, at least – that the apartment door chooses precisely that moment to fly open. “Tell us both what,” Steve calls from the foyer. “Oh, and hi, guys. Nice to see you.”

Loki wipes his face. “Sorry,” he offers. “We were laughing our fool heads off. Literally. Well, almost.” He turns to look over his shoulder again; this time, Thor nods. “Sif, Steve,” Loki announces, looking from Sif’s flushed, wet-eyed face to Steve’s cheerfully expectant one. “Thank you for asking us to take part in your special day.” He sounds very formal; proper, even. All in all he’s much better at this sort of thing than Thor is. “We’d love to.”

~

Back in their own apartment, Thor and Loki collapse in a heap on the couch. “How do all you normal people do this sort of thing,” Loki complains, but he’s laughing again. “It’s so fucking stressful. I’m exhausted!”

Thor smiles. He’s exhausted too, now that he thinks about it. “Let’s get you into bed, then.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor has jumbled thoughts; Sif is sad. Both of these things are complicated.

"I do, actually," Thor admits when Sif – in between sizable bites of her surprisingly-tasty-looking veggie focaccia, because she onnnnnly makes exceptions for pizza when it comes to cheese... and not all that often even then - grills him gently as to his own _marital intentions._ "I would wed Loki in a heartbeat,” he assures her without any hesitation whatsoever. “As long as he would have me," he adds. "And these days I kind of think he might." He does. His brother has been surprisingly amenable to what would more typically have been written off as a _politically-correct, square, stifling tradition_.

"You could always get creative," Sif says, frowning in what looks like serious concentration. She points at Thor with the remains of her sandwich. "You already have a leg up on the whole thing, at least compared to people banned by law from entering into same-sex matrimony. You have legal grounds for being _next of kin_ ," she explains when he's admittedly slow to pick up on her meaning. "You have that part taken care of, easy. Do a handfasting ceremony or something." She shrugs and takes another, daintier bite. "Whatever works for you, no,” she offers, chewing politely. “For Loki?”

He nods. "Maybe." It's not a bad idea, probably; he might just need some time to wrap his head around it. It's certainly far from the oddest - not to mention _least comfortable_ \- thing he's ever done _for the love of his brother_. "Just- just let me- give me a little time to think about it."

Sif laughs. "Don't hurry yourself on my accord," she tells him. "It's not like I'm going to be off proposing to him _for_ you."

"Could you," he jokingly pleads. "I'm sure you couldn't fuck it up half as badly as I did."

She taps one finger against her forehead _I'm thinking_ -style. "Hmm, let me think about that a minute. Um, NO."

"Hey," Thor says with an exaggerated shrug. "You can hardly fault a guy for trying."

~

More and more he finds himself obsessed. He just can’t let the idea go. A heavy, rounded gold band with a green stone - an emerald, a really nice one - would look absolutely beautiful on his brother's ring finger.

A tattoo would be differently permanent. Loki might like that better, but something about it smacks a little too much of marking possessions and Thor knows it’s an idea he would be uncomfortable sharing at group. Not that _that_ serves as anything close to a perfect barometer, for sure, but he's finding it makes a good starting point.

If they want to be completely nontraditional, Thor reasons, they could opt for some sort of secret talisman. And while an object that has meaning only to the two of them does have a certain appeal, he can’t deny that - sappy or no - he really does want to exchange some of universally recognizable symbol. Something that tells everyone they have a binding commitment. Something that reminds them both of the same, on those shitty days when they could really use a good reminding.

He sighs and closes his browser. Like it or not, he’s being paid to do a job… and that job isn’t researching the best ways to show off his abiding love for Loki.

Not that _behaving_ does anything to make his two-hour conference call less boring.

~

"So, are you planning on wearing a dress," Loki asks Sif a few evenings later. She's had a crap day - a client she'd really come to love died this morning, from what little she'd been able to tell them - and has opted to self-medicate with a little _kitten time_ before her fiancé gets home. 

She, of course, still just calls the guy in question _Steve_. That’s nice for her, but it doesn’t keep Thor from torturing himself with terminology.

"Nah," Sif replies as she plays with Mac's pink toes; _teenager cat_ gets her back by chewing her fingers, which she manages to mostly ignore. She’s a trooper compared to Thor. "At least not something frou-frou,” she explains to his brother. “Beyond that I haven't decided."

"Maybe I'll wear one," Loki muses. He rolls flat onto his back on the floor. "That would get people talking." He hums quietly, all the while scratching idly at his ribs. "Whaddaya think, Thor? Something classy, I mean, not like that shit I used to wear when I was working."

Thor thinks a lot of things, not a single one of which he feels like sharing. "I think we should wear nice suits," he suggests instead, pointedly ignoring the way his face must be flushing. "Unless Steve wants us in jeans or something, of course."

Loki sits up with a loud grunt. "Say," he stage whispers from behind one hand, "if I let you make me wear a suit, can I skip the panties?"

"You are _so_ weird," Thor exclaims, poking his brother with the closest foot.

"You know it, baby." Loki rolls out of reach, laughing.

~

Steve knocks on the apartment door by tapping out his trademark SOS pattern. Thor gets up from the couch, yawning and stretching. “Don’t get up,” he teases Sif and Loki. “Seriously. I’ll get it.”

“If you’re going to be family soon, we should get you a key,” Thor tells Steve as the two of them walk back into the living room to join their partners.

“I think I’d be afraid to just walk in here,” Steve says, smiling.

“For you,” Loki tells him mock-earnestly, “I’ll wear panties.”

“He’s lying,” Thor and Sif both say, almost simultaneously.

Loki makes a big show of peering down his own pants. “Am not,” he tells them all. “You know that scene in _Shrek 2_ where Pinocchio-.”

“Enough,” Sif complains. “All of you.”

“She hates my panties,” Loki says to Steve, grinning.

Sif jumps up, sending Mac rolling across the chair seat. “Fine, ignore me. I’m going home.”

Everyone stops cold. She isn’t joking anymore; Thor can _feel_ it. “Siffy,” Loki says, “I’m sorry.” He sounds it, too. In fact, he sounds- horrified. “C’mere.” He wraps Sif in a big hug as she starts really crying.

Thor isn’t sure he’s ever seen Sif cry like this. He exchanges small, awkward shrugs with Steve. It’s worse than seeing his brother fall apart; he feels completely helpless. She’s their rock. Nothing touches her.

Loki leads Sif over to the couch and encourages her to sit, all the while holding her tightly. The two of them huddle together, talking quietly. “Let’s go make some hot cocoa,” Thor suggests to Steve after a couple of minutes spent standing there like idiots. “I think my brother has this.”

_I’m proud of you, baby_ , he thinks to himself as he pours almond milk into a saucepan.

Steve passes the cocoa and the sugar. “Loki’s good with people,” he offers.

“Be sure you tell him that sometime,” Thor suggests, nodding. It’s nice to see his brother recognized. Really nice. “He definitely needs to hear it.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor thinks it through.

"So," his therapist asks, "how have the past few weeks gone?" It's the first time they've gone this long without talking in what (isn't that long, really, but somehow still) feels like forever. It’s been just enough time that the days are beginning to lengthen again. Winter's death grip may even be on the verge of easing.

Thor reflects for a few moments before answering; he's actually a little surprised to find he doesn't feel half bad. "Busy," he says. Might as well get it all over with right away. "Loki was in the hospital, Sif and Steve are getting married, and I accidentally proposed. To my brother," he clarifies, just in case. "But I did well at group - I had good things to share and it felt- meaningful." Supportive. All the things he would have sworn on his mother's grave _hanging out with the domestic abusers_ could never possibly be.

"Mm," the social worker hums. The sound makes Thor's ear buzz against the plastic handset. "I did wonder where you'd disappeared off to," the guy admits, "but the rest of your care team told me you were doing fine." Thor can hear the smile in his voice. It almost makes up for the whole revelation about _having a care team_. Like Loki. Not quite, but almost. "And it does sound like you have been. What would you like to discuss first?"

 _None of it_ , Thor thinks, by reflex. Which is not really true; when he stops to think about it, he realizes he does want the guy's feedback. "Um," he stalls. "My brother. Loki overextended himself, I think, and had a small setback." He swallows; thinking about what _could_ have happened is still quite painful. "He drank a bunch and called his coach and ended up in the ED as a suspected OD. Because he stopped taking his medications," Thor says, all in a rush, the mad tumble of words broken only by a quick pause to breathe. "So he was gone for a couple of days, during which I think we both realized we need to do a better job of taking real care of each other."

"But you did okay with your temper," the therapist prompts.

"Yes," Thor exclaims. He's actually quite proud of this part. "I didn't get mad, and I didn't act out even though I felt guilty." He takes a deep breath and lets it out quietly. "I even recognized it when I was at risk of becoming too controlling. I caught myself at it… and made myself stop."

"I'm proud of you," the guy says. He even _sounds_ proud. It leaves Thor feeling- happy. "You're putting in a lot of hard work and I can really start to see the results."

Thor nods, even though his therapist can't see. "I felt good about it," he agrees. "I didn't escalate things. And even at joint counseling, when Loki and I started to argue, I was able to stop when Ginny asked me to. Loki stopped himself, too."

"And how did all of that feel," the social worker asks. "Do you remember?"

He does. "Like we were acting as a team," he says, "rather than taking things needlessly out on each other."

"Nice," the therapist observes. "And then there was something in the water," he teases, "and suddenly everything's coming up weddings?"

Thor snorts. On the surface it really all does sound pretty goddamned silly. "Sif and Steve asked us to be in their wedding. I got a little weird about the whole thing," he explains, "and apparently Loki surmised that was because I secretly wished it was me. Marrying Sif, I mean, since she was my ex and all."

"And," his social worker prompts. Even over the phone he never lets Thor get away with anything.

"And she- well, she doesn't _look_ like Loki, but she has dark hair and is fairly- tomboyish, I guess. Athletic. No frills. Loki thought he was only the next best thing."

The social worker snickers. "Somehow I suspect-," he starts.

"Exactly," Thor cuts in. "If anything it was the other way around.” He nods to himself again. “Regardless of whatever bullshit I fed myself back in high school." He sits quiet for a moment, carefully framing his next statement. "He was right that I was jealous, but wrong about why... and when he pushed the subject I blurted out that I wanted to marry him." He laughs. His face is burning. "So, so not how I ever wanted to say it."

"And how did Loki take all of that?"

"He was pleased, I guess," Thor recollects. "At least, he was prepared to take my head off if I was playing him. Which I totally wasn't."

"It sounds like your brother's reaction wasn't quite what you expected," the social worker suggests, which couldn't be more true.

"I figured he would laugh me out of the place. I've _always_ wanted to make this permanent," _even when I was totally fucking things up_ , he reminds himself, "but I never once dreamed he- that my feelings might be reciprocated." Thor clears his throat. This part is quite a bit less easy. “I- well, I’ve probably said this before,” he says, only belatedly realizing he’s stalling again, “but I always kind of wondered if he was with me because I was the least awful of his limited options.”

“And now,” the therapist asks.

“And now I think we- we each felt pretty much the same way. We were both insecure - _are_ both insecure,” he corrects himself, because it’s not like they’re both magically _all better_ after one discussion in joint counseling and a few strained private talks. “We were both jumping to conclusions and thinking _he’s settling_. Except I guess we weren’t. Aren’t. Either of us.”

“Good for you,” his therapist says.

“It is,” Thor doesn’t hesitate to agree.

~

He gets out of work a little earlier than normal – his usual late conference call, the one with the offshore consultants that he booked specifically to coincide one of Loki’s _late days_ , ended up cancelled at the last minute - and Thor finds he isn’t in the mood to start anything new with such a small sliver of workday remaining. Instead he parks the car near the cat shelter and spends his free hour strolling through the neighborhood, window-shopping at all the little stores.

The ones that are normally closed by the time he arrives to pick up his brother.

There’s a nice candy shop a couple of blocks away, one he’s never noticed. He ducks in and buys Loki a box of handmade dark chocolate-coated sponge candy, simply because it’s his brother’s favorite. The cashier gives him a sample; it’s melt-in-your-mouth fabulous. He’s absolutely certain that Loki is going to love it.

Next door, probably not by accident, is a jewelry store. The window displays are bright and creative. The rings make him smile, especially the one with the emerald that looks just like he’s been imagining.

With no small amount of reluctance Thor tears himself away and heads back over to the shelter, clutching his nicely-wrapped box of candy with its big floppy, soft bow. Like it or not, he and Loki have a lot more talking to do before he can safely give into the urge to _do something crazy_ … like buying that ring.

Even so, he knows he’s grinning like a fool as he pushes open the shelter door and wipes his wet boots on the doormat. “Hey, baby,” he calls out. “I got you a present.” Loki turns around smiling. “It’s for you,” Thor points out, unnecessarily, “but I promise I won’t complain if you want to share.”


End file.
